Americans, thank you for joining me today. I am a high school teacher [cacophony of applause]. I teach creative writing and film studies, which in my opinion are the two most fun things you can teach aside from, say, a course on how to play laser tag. That’s how giddy I feel when I talk about writing and movies.

How giddy am I about me and the kids going back into the classroom in a few weeks? Hmmmmmmmmm……..uh…………yeesh. I don’t teach health, but it seems risky. And I mean, it seems risky in every single scenario. If we go into the building, I worry about disease. If we don’t go into the building, I worry about the mental health of children. If we do a half and half kinda deal where we go in some days and teach online other days, I worry that I’ll be even more confused about what day it is.

Also, let’s say we all go back in the building, even if it’s a limited amount of people for a limited amount of time and “practice social distancing.” Practice social distancing WITH TEENAGERS. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep them from touching each other on a regular day? When we’re back in the building will I be teaching or will I be constantly stopping kids from having sex? Because there were days last year where it felt like that’s all I did. Or as my friend Fred, who’s also a high school teacher, once told me, “All I am is a cock blocker.”

So how do we do this safely? I have a couple of ideas. One – everybody wear an N-95 mask and I keep a fog horn on my desk. The second I see a boy put his arm around a girl – HONK!!!! It’ll be like having a an angry goose in the classroom. Two – we issue tread mills. I teach and they learn while in constant motion and in our individual spaces. We all might look like lab rats, but by spring 2021 we’ll be in amazing shape making us all healthier and zombie apocalypse ready. Three – we wear space suits. Preferably classrooms will also be anti-gravity just to make the learning experience that much more fun. Four – I declare Margarita Mondays. Margondays. It has nothing to do with school or the kids, I just think it’s a good idea. Five – speaking of good ideas, have you ever had an Oreo cookie and Nutella sandwich? DUDE.

Scientists and law makers reading this list – you’re welcome. Didn’t think a creative writer could bring solutions to the table, did ya? Let me know if you would like my suggestions for climate control. I’ll give you a nibble: One – Martini Tuesdays. Martuesdays.